


Don't Toy With Me

by Neffectual



Series: 104 Reasons to Stay Alive [5]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Crack, I used to have shame, M/M, Sex Toys, WTF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-13
Updated: 2014-07-13
Packaged: 2018-02-08 17:49:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,007
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1950516
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Neffectual/pseuds/Neffectual
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So I had a lovely tumblr anon who prompted me bottom!Erwin/Levi with toys. Instead of the promised smut, I wrote this.</p><p>1000 words of my terrible sense of humour and why you should never, ever use second-hand sex toys.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Toy With Me

The box is found within the garrison, which used to be, apparently, a brothel. That’s not particularly new; even the whores don’t want to be working in these border towns now Maria has fallen.  
“Springer found this.” Levi says, disgustedly, throwing the dusty box onto Erwin’s bed before settling onto the chaise longue like he belongs there, “I haven’t opened it, because the brat was thirteen shades of red. Probably left behind by the ladies of the oldest profession.”  
“Don’t forget the men.” Erwin says, wickedly, and waggles his eyebrows in a way which makes Levi roll his eyes.  
“Oh, you were here as well, were you?” the dark-haired man purrs, teasing glint in his eye, “Go on, open it. We’re all waiting with bated breath.”  
Erwin chuckles under his breath at the look on Levi’s face, before moving to open the little wooden box, meaning to set it aside, because the carvings look truly exquisite, if a little... phallic. Then again, he’s never particularly been against advertising via woodwork, although he struggles to remember a time when he’d had the option.

The lid slides away easily, runners clean and greased, as if it was opened regularly. The shine which gleams back at him surprises him, enough that Levi bothers to get up and stand on tiptoe to stare into the box.  
The silver lies there, reflecting both sets of wide eyes.  
“That has to go to the capital.” Erwin says, licking suddenly dry lips, “If it’s solid, we might get extra rations as a reward.”  
Levi makes a dismissive sound.  
“We’d be better off lining our pockets with the money and finding our own food. At least then we might not get a whole cart of things which... wriggle.”  
Erwin sets the box back on the bed and ruffles Levi’s hair, a motion which never fails to get him a death glare. His captain’s hatred of all things slimy or squirmy was well known, and the fact that Jaeger had the misfortune of dropping his bag of potatoes all over Levi had proved that their rations were a little on the old side. The scream had echoed through the garrison, and a couple of cadets had been graced with the vision that was Levi shirtless. Sadly, he had also been running through the courtyard at high speed before leaping into the pond, scrabbling to get the maggots off him.  
Hanji had laughed until they were nearly sick at the sight of Levi sulking in the pond, having torn his clothes off as he ran and refusing to exit the water until someone had brought him some clothes. Erwin might, just might, have deliberately taken his time in finding a towel and some fresh clothes, if only because angry wet Levi was like looking at a freshly-washed cat. Plus, there was a frog on his head, and he wanted to see how long it took for Levi to notice.

Levi sticks his hand into the box and pulls out the most phallic of the objects, before dropping it on the bed and wiping his hand on Erwin’s shirt.  
“Ugh, what was that for?” the blond asks, grimacing.  
“I just realised where those things have been.” Levi said, stepping away from the box and its possibly contaminated contents, “You touch them, you were in the stables today. Pretty sure your hands can’t get any more filthy.”  
“We could...” Erwin grins, and does the eyebrow waggle again. One day Levi will tell him it looks like the mating dance of two drugged caterpillars, rather than anything with practical sexual connotations. Today is not that day. He wants to see how many of these objects he can get Erwin to pick up before he realises what they are. He could probably recognise the one Levi dropped, but the others.... from what Levi saw of them, they might be a little more for the collector’s tastes.  
“Not until you’ve bathed.”  
Erwin pouts.  
“You’re no fun.”  
“Certainly not.” Levi agrees.

Erwin rummages around in the little box, noting it is inlaid with mother-of-pearl. He pulls out a coil of strangely soft rope, some fiddly looking silver things on a chain, and something he can’t identify. He turns and looks at Levi, holding it much like a noble woman might hold a dead mouse.  
“What do you do with this?”  
Levi laughs, he can’t help himself – this is Erwin, who taught him most of what he knows about sex, but who can’t recognise certain items when they’re literally right in front of him. Then again, Levi knew a few ladies of negotiable affection when he was younger, and they’d not so much taught him as given him the exact usage of a few things he’d tried to filch out of their special little boxes. He might not know what to do with a lady’s pearl but he knows what a pearl necklace is.  
“You don’t want to know.” He says, and tries to swallow down the giggles. The item Erwin is holding is a number of silver balls, ranging from the size of a little fingertip to the size of a gold piece, strung at regular intervals on a black leather cord. Structurally speaking, it’s a beautiful thing, but Levi can’t help but hope it has been properly cleaned.  
“No, really...” Erwin pauses, “Is this a sex thing?”  
Levi practically bites through his lip at this.  
“Yes, yes it is. Put it down and go and wash your hands.”  
Erwin gathers everything back into the box and shuts the lid.  
“We’re just sending it all to the capital?” he asks, heading to pump to scrub at his hands, and Levi can see the disappointment in the way his shoulders fall.  
“Well,” Levi says, letting a wicked grin creep back over his face, “Maybe we might find something we can do with them first.”

He has to snatch the box away from Erwin and explain about exactly where the silver items have been before the blond lets him take them away to be boiled.


End file.
